


You're In My Blood Like Holy Wine

by KaceyLondon



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-30
Updated: 2012-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-02 17:44:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/371654
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaceyLondon/pseuds/KaceyLondon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Frank hadn’t seen that look in Gerard’s eyes since he had hit rock bottom with drugs and alcohol.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You're In My Blood Like Holy Wine

Frank sat on the foot of Gerard’s bed, cross legged, an acoustic guitar propped in his lap. He frowned a little and watched Gerard laying there in front of him, curled into himself and blankly staring at the wall next to his head. The man’s eyes were glazed over and completely void of their normal lust for life, and when Frank had first seen him, his body had gone cold with chills. He hadn’t seen that look in Gerard’s eyes since he had hit rock bottom with drugs and alcohol. It had been a phone call from Gerard that had gotten Frank to drive across the entire city to see him, and his throat tightened slightly as he thought about it.

_“Frankie, I need you. Can you please come over?”_

_“Yeah, of course. What’s wrong, are you all right?”_

_“Yeah. No. I don’t know. Please come over. I’m scared I’m going to do something stupid.”_

_“Okay, I’m on my way, you wanna stay on the phone with me? Gee? Gerard? Hello?”_

The call disconnecting had frightened Frank to his core, and he had broken several traffic laws to get to Gerard’s house. He was terrified that he would walk into a horror scene, and every graphic and traumatizing scenario raced through his head as he had driven the twenty minutes to Gerard’s place. He had attempted to call Gerard back through the entire drive, and by the time he had pulled into the driveway and sprinted up the driveway, he was convinced that he was going to walk into hell.

Instead, what he saw was Gerard laying on his bed, curled into a small ball and staring at the wall. Frank had tried to talk to him, had tried to hold his hand, he had frantically checked the medicine cabinet for anything that looked out of place, but everything had seemed normal. That had been five hours prior, and Gerard hadn’t moved a bit or responded to Frank at all since he got there. Frank had tried everything, and for the last hour he had just been sitting with Gerard, quietly playing all of the man’s favorite songs on his guitar. If Gerard just needed to melt down for a time, that was fine, and Frank would sit there as long as it took to make sure that he would be okay.

Frank sighed a little and rubbed his sore fingertips on his jeans. It felt good to play an acoustic guitar again, he was so used to his electric guitars, and it felt wonderful to press his fingers down against tight acoustic strings and feel them dig and indent themselves into his skin. His mind wandered back to the last time he had sat in that very spot, playing those very same songs to Gerard, and his eyes began to water.

_“Baby… will you sing to me again?” Frank could never say no to Gerard when he looked that damn adorable. Gerard was resting his head on Frank’s knee, staring up at him upside down. “Play me that Joni Mitchell song we like…”_

_Frank giggled a little, holding Gerard’s acoustic in his lap and he rolled his eyes. “I’ll play it, you sing it.”_

_“I can’t sing Joni Mitchell, are you crazy?”_

_“Well I sure as hell can’t sing it! You’re the vocalist, remember?” Frank snickered a little, his fingers wandering over the fret board of the guitar as he plucked out a rendition of Joni Mitchell’s “A Case Of You”._

_“Please baby? I love when you sing to me.”_

Frank let a rogue tear shoot down his face as he remembered that day. They had been so happy together then. They had been so in love. Frank’s heart panged, longing to go back to that time, when they spent carefree days just laying in bed together, staring at the ceiling and giggling over stupid things, their hands intertwined between them. He missed the way Gerard’s kisses tasted like cigarettes and vanilla mint chapstick. He missed Gerard’s fingers running through his hair and sliding carefully over his skin as if the man were trying to memorize every inch of his body.

Frank sighed softly, watching Gerard’s face. He would only have done one thing differently, if he could go back. He would have told Gerard that he loved him. Sure they showed each other how much they loved each other all the time. Little touches and stolen kisses spoke louder than words, or so Frank had thought. But in the end, it had been the both of them too stubborn to be the first one to say it, that had pulled them away from their feelings. By the time Frank had realized he had made the biggest mistake of his life by letting Gerard go, it had been too late.

_“Hey guys, this is my girlfriend Kathy.” Everyone had exchanged awkward glances at each other, trying not to turn and stare at Frank. The small red-head girl clung to Gerard’s arm and giggled sweetly. She was friendly and adorable, she was sweet and kind, smart and caring, and Frank immediately hated her guts. It had come as a huge shock to him. He had Gerard had never officially been going out, it was true, but their kisses and lovemaking surely made them something, didn’t it?_

_Frank had pulled Gerard into the kitchen, leaving Kathy in the middle of a conversation with Ray and he frowned at Gerard. “What the hell, dude?”_

_“Problem?”_

_“Fuck you, of course there is! What the hell?” Frank narrowed his eyes at Gerard, and suddenly it dawned on him the game that the man was playing. He had been so pissed off that Gerard would have stooped to theatrics and childish mind-games to try and get Frank to say the three little words, that he had stormed out of the room and disappeared for a week and a half. By the time he got back, it really was too late, and Gerard was finished with Frank’s antics and finished waiting around for him to come to his senses._

Frank rubbed his face a little before sliding his fingers over the frets on the guitar. He frowned softly and fumbled a few notes, humming softly before clearing his throat. “Oh Gerard…” He sighed, “How could I have forgotten how to play our song?” He swallowed hard and continued fumbling around with different notes and chords, trying desperately to remember how to play it. “How does it go, Gee? That Joni Mitchell song we liked?” Frank knew that Gerard wouldn’t respond to his questions, it was mostly just to fill the silence and remind Gerard that he was still there. He reached out and slid his hand over Gerard’s back which had to be tight and cramping by now, five hours in a curled up position like that was going to wreak havoc on his muscles. “Come on, Gee…” he reached up and carefully brushed some hair out of the man’s face. “I can’t sing this song alone, baby.”

Frank smiled broadly as he saw a flicker of emotion in Gerard’s face. The man didn’t move, or pull his eyes away from the wall, but he had seen a little bit of something register with him, and that was enough to spur Frank on and keep him sitting there and trying. He put his fingers back on the fret board and tried a few more chord progressions before he found the one he needed. “Okay, I’ll sing it to you… I should have sung it to you every day, baby. I’m sorry I didn’t.” He frowned a little before he took a deep shaky breath. He hated his singing voice, it wasn’t very good, but Gerard insisted that it was, and that he loved it and Frank should sing more often. His fingers played soft chords and notes and he cleared his throat and started to sing quietly, his voice cracking a little due to the tears in his eyes and the high emotions running out of him.

“Just before our love got lost you said  
‘I am as constant as the northern star’ and I said  
‘Constantly in the darkness where is that at  
If you want me I’ll be in the bar’

On the back of a cartoon coaster   
In the blue TV screen light  
I drew a map of Canada, oh Canada  
With your face sketched on it twice

You’re in my blood like holy wine  
You taste so bitter and so sweet oh  
I could drink a case of you darling  
And I would still be on my feet  
Oh I would still be on my feet.”

Frank’s voice was strained as tears slid down his face. Their song meant more now than it ever had before, and Frank’s heart ached deeply. He wanted to pull Gerard to him, to kiss him and mumble “I love you” a thousand times. He wanted to turn back time, to fix the way they had fucked everything up, but he couldn’t. He was frozen to the spot, his heart slowly dying as he sang the words to the one person he truly loved more than anyone else on the planet.

“Oh I am a lonely painter   
I live in a box of paints   
I'm frightened by the devil   
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid 

I remember that time you told me  
‘Love is touching souls’   
Surely you touched mine   
'Cause part of you pours out of me   
In these lines from time to time 

Oh, you're in my blood like holy wine   
You taste so bitter and so sweet   
Oh I could drink a case of you darling   
And I would still be on my feet   
I would still be on my feet”

Frank’s body wasn’t even going through the motions of trying to hide his tears anymore. They poured down his face and dropped onto the guitar as he played. His voice was thick and heavy as he sang, and he strained to hit the notes, but didn’t stop. He couldn’t stop, he owed it to Gerard to finally sing him their song, even if it was now years after the fact. He watched Gerard carefully as he sang, and his heart thrilled as he watched the boy stir and shift his eyes to look up to Frank.

Frank gasped internally as his eyes met Gerard’s and he saw them welling with tears and sliding out of the corners of his eyes, soaking into the bedding. Frank cleared his throat softly, now it was more important than ever to get this right.

“I met a woman   
She had a mouth like yours, she knew your life   
She knew your devils and your deeds and she said   
‘Go to him, stay with him if you can   
But be prepared to bleed’ 

Oh but you are in my blood you're like holy wine   
You're so bitter, bitter and so sweet  
Oh, I could drink a case of you darling   
Still I'd be on my feet   
I would still be on my feet”

As Frank hit the last note of the song, he stared down at Gerard, his heart shattering into a million pieces as he saw the man staring right back up at him, a gentle smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. Frank set the guitar aside and moved closer to the man, reaching out and sliding his fingers through Gerard’s hair again, loving the feeling of Gerard leaning into his touch. “There you are…”

Gerard smiled a little and let out a soft sigh. “You finally sang me Joni Mitchell…”

Frank let out a soft sad laugh and he nodded. “Five years too late.” He sniffled softly and slid his fingers over Gerard’s face. His heart hurt so badly he thought it would stop beating right on the spot. He longed to kiss him, he ached to whisper to him just how much he loved him. He had rehearsed his loving confession to Gerard a million times over in his head, but every time the opportunity arose, he lost his nerve to do it. Not this time. This time he would force it out of himself if he had to. He knew that Gerard still loved him, even if they were both just too god damned stubborn to say it. 

“Gerard… I-..” He jumped a bit and bit his tongue sharply as he heard the bedroom door open.

“Baby I’m home… Oh! Frankie, hey how’s it going?”

“Hey Kathy…” Frank felt his entire body sink. He hated Kathy, loathed her, if only because she had the strength and nerve to say what he never could to Gerard. He carefully stood up and forced a smile to her before his eyes moved back to Gerard who had sat up and was staring straight into his eyes. He stared into Gerard’s eyes for a moment, and he could sense the man desperately trying to urge him to say the words, to finish what he had started. Their eye contact was broken as Kathy moved over to Gerard and leaned down to kiss him softly and coo over him a bit. He swallowed hard and his eyes flicked down briefly to look at the thick gold band that encircled Gerard’s left ring finger. The pit of his stomach burned, and he swallowed the acid that rose up in his throat. It took everything in Frank’s power to force his feet to move towards the door.

“See you later, Gerard.”

+++++

Frank sat at the bar with his elbow propped on the sticky wooden surface, the palm of his hand cradling his forehead. He stared aimlessly into the beer in front of him. He was so lost in his non-thoughts that he nearly jumped clear out of his skin when he felt a hand clap him on the shoulder.

“Thought I’d find you here…” Ray gave him a little smile and slid onto the stood beside him. It had been five days since Frank had nearly told Gerard the he loved him and been interrupted by Gerard’s idiot wife Kathy, and just about every singly moment of those five days had been spent in the bar, letting the world flurry around him as he sat and stared into a beer. It hurt too much to think about it, to think about Gerard and Kathy in their stupidly perfect house with their stupid new carpet and stupid quaint little chotchkies and stupid vows of eternal love. Gerard could pretend to love his stupid fucking Stepford life, but Frank saw through him. He was miserable! He saw it in Gerard’s eyes that all he wanted to do was scream and set fire to suburbia, and if only Frank would tell him the one thing he needed to hear, he could burst forth from it and leave it all behind. Frank sighed and looked over to Ray, tears welling behind his eyes.

“Yep. Here I am.”

“Frank, you really gotta stop this, man. I know you’re upset right now, but you can’t keep this up! Let me take you home, and we’ll get you a shower, and some solid food… you’ll feel better, I promise.” Ray stood up and paid Frank’s bar tab before taking his arm. “Come on, Frankie…”

Frank stumbled a little and leaned into Ray. He sighed, thinking of the last time Ray had found it necessary to help him get home like this.

_“It’s my great pleasure to introduce you to the new, Mr. and Mrs. Gerard Way!” The DJ was a fucking idiot, and was overly animate with the microphone, causing a loud shriek an heavy thump sound as he dropped the mic, scrambling to pick it up again as people cheered and clapped, watching Gerard and Kathy walk into the reception hall._

_Frank scowled and hid in the back, throwing back a shot of whiskey. He motioned to the bartender for another. Thank fucking god for open bars. Exactly two hours later it had been Ray strong arming Frank out of the reception hall and back to his hotel room to sleep it off._

Ray smiled as Frank didn’t put up a fight. He helped him out of the bar and down the three blocks to Frank’s apartment. He knew all about Frank and Gerard’s love for each other, not for their valiant attempts to hide it from everyone, but because Ray wasn’t stupid. He saw the way they would longingly look at each other, felt the tension in the air whenever Kathy walked into the room, and he just knew the two boys were desperately in love with each other. He also knew, however, that they were both just too fucking stupid to step up and be the first one to say it, so day after day, and year after year Ray watched as this beautiful secret that the two of them had together slowly picked and clawed away at them, tearing them down and beating them. Ray moved Frank immediately into the bathroom. “C’mon, Frankie… take a shower, okay, and I’ll make you something to eat when you get out.” He went and grabbed a pile of clean clothes, putting them on the sink for him before starting up the shower and walking out, hoping Frank could take care of the rest.

Frank sighed and tugged off his clothes. He made a face for a moment, he really _did_ reek. Ray was a good man for putting up with his shit time after time. He stepped into the shower and sighed heavily, rolling his shoulders. The hot water felt amazing on his tense muscles, and for a while he just stood there, hanging his head, allowing the water to beat down over his neck and shoulders. After some time he grabbed the shampoo and started to wash his hair.

_“Bend down, you’re too tall!” Frank whined, giggling a little as Gerard bowed his head. Frank smirked and squirted some shampoo into his hands, rubbing them together for a moment before he started to work it into Gerard’s hair thoroughly. He thrilled at the soft sound Gerard let out, knowing how much the man loved it when people played with his hair. After rinsing out the shampoo and repeating the process with apple scented conditioner, Frank smiled and tucked himself into Gerard’s chest, giggling a bit when the larger man wrapped his strong arms entirely around his torso and hugged him close. He closed his eyes and just enjoyed the warmth of the shower, which was nothing compared to the warmth of their skin-on-skin contact. Gerard leaned down and slowly slid one finger under Frank’s chin, lifting and guiding his face up to look at him._

_Frank tensed up, he was sure it was time, this was going to be the moment, and Gerard would say “I love you”, and Frank would throw his arms around him and kiss him and tell him a thousand times over “I love you, too”. He stared up into Gerard’s eyes, goosebumps on his arms from the intense moment between them. He waited on pins and needles to hear the words, his heart pounding and sporadically skipping a beat or two. But the words never came, and instead Gerard simply leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips before closing his eyes and resting his chin on the top of Frank’s head._

Frank broke down. He slid his back along the wall of the shower until he was sitting at the bottom, holding his knees to his chest. Fuck, he couldn’t do _anything_ without thinking of a beautiful moment between he and Gerard. He sat there on the bottom of the shower, crying softly as the water turned cold and numbed his skin.

When after twenty minutes Frank didn’t come out of the bathroom, Ray frowned a little and knocked on the door lightly. Hearing no answer he carefully poked his head into the room. “Frankie? You doing okay, buddy?” He sighed as he heard Frank sniffling and crying and he rubbed his face a little, reaching into the shower and turning the water off. “Come on, Frank…” He grabbed a towel and opened it wide for him like a father would do for a child. He smiled when Frank pulled himself off of the floor and stepped into the towel. Ray wrapped it around him tightly, giving Frank a soft squeeze.

“Come on Frankie-boy. Get dressed and then there’s some food in the kitchen to eat, okay?”

Frank nodded and wiped at his face with the towel in vain, as more beads of water dripped from his hair and ran in rivers down the side of his face. Once Ray was out of the bathroom he sighed and began to dry himself off, draping the towel over his head and rubbing vigorously at his hair to get it to stop dripping on him. Five minutes later he was dressed in clean clothes, and he had to admit, he was already feeling a bit more like a human being, just being clean. He walked out of the bathroom and to the kitchen, smiling at Ray.

“Thanks, Ray. You’re a good friend, man.” He smiled and walked over to him, pulling him into a tight hug. 

“Anytime, Frankie. You know that. Here, eat some pasta okay…” Ray ushered Frank over to the table where he had made pasta with vegetables. 

Some time later, Frank had eaten and drank some water, and Ray smiled happily. “Okay Frank, now let’s get some sleep, and in the morning we’ll go shopping or something, okay?” He guided Frank to his room and got the boy in bed. “Goodnight, Frankie.” Ray smiled and ruffled his hair a little before walking out and collapsing on the sofa, closing his eyes and willing sleep to take him.

It was god-knows how long later when Ray woke up with a start, hearing a loud crash coming from Frank’s bedroom. He jumped off of the couch and rushed to Frank’s room, throwing the door open. He gasped as he saw Frank on the bed sobbing, curled up into a tiny ball. He quickly looked around and saw the room was a wreck, the crash having clearly been from a quick rampage the small boy had gone on. Ray sighed and made his way over to Frank, sitting on the bed next to him. “Frankie… Frankie what is it? What happened?” He frowned and wrapped his arms around Frank tightly as the boy twisted suddenly and pushed himself into Ray’s chest, sobbing.

It took a while, but Frank finally spit it out that he had had a wretched nightmare in which Gerard was dying and there was nothing at all that Frank could do about it. Ray frowned and rubbed Frank’s back, trying to assure him that Gerard was all right and it was just a silly dream, but try as he might he could not get Frank to calm down. “Hey, hey Frankie, c’mon… why don’t we call Gerard, and you can hear his voice, and then you’ll know for sure that he’s okay, right?” Ray frowned, he knew it wouldn’t do much good, and would only start Frank off on an emotional tangent again, but it was better than Frank insisting that Gerard was dying. Ray grabbed his cell phone from his pocket and dialed Gerard’s house phone, closing his eyes and continuing to rub at Frank’s back softly.

“’llo?” A sleepy sounding woman croaked into the phone and Ray felt guilty about having woken Kathy up, but he sighed a little, it was definitely not the time to give two shits about Kathy’s sleep schedule. Frank was about to throw himself into hysterics with his crying. “Kathy, it’s Ray… I’m sorry to call so late, but I really need to talk to Gerard… it’s an emergency.”

Kathy heaved a heavy sigh and reached over, shaking Gerard awake. “Your stupid friends are on the phone, Gerard.” She threw the phone at his chest before laying her head back down and trying to go back to sleep.

Gerard sighed and sat up, rubbing his face and taking the phone, “Don’t be foul, K.” He cleared his throat, pulling himself out of bed and into the hallway so as not to disturb Kathy further. “Hello?”

“Gerard, it’s Ray. I’m so sorry. I just didn’t know what else to do… it’s Frank, he’s freaking out.”

“Okay, okay… put him on the phone.” Gerard cleared his throat and tried desperately to wake himself up more so he could be coherent when he spoke to Frank. He felt his heart stall and his throat tighten as he heard the boy whimper and let out a pathetic sounding ‘hello’. “Frankie… hey you… what happened?”

“It was awful… I had a dream and it was so real Gerard… it was SO real…” the thought of the dream sent Frank off into a coughing and crying jag again. Ray just sat there, cradling the boy protectively and rubbing his back, trying his best to keep him calm. Gerard tried in vain to get Frank to calm down and assure him that he was all right, but try as he might, Frank was not calming down in the slightest. If anything, he was getting more and more worked up.

“Okay! Frankie… Frankie I’m coming over there okay? I’ll be there really soon, I promise! Frankie, I’m going to call you on my cell phone and we can talk while I drive, okay?” Gerard didn’t bother dressing in proper clothes, he just jammed his bare feet into his sneakers and tugged on a hoodie over his bare chest, grabbing his keys and walking out as he dialed Ray’s cell phone back from his own cell phone. He shivered a bit as the cold night air penetrated the thin material of his sleep pants, but he quickly jumped into the car and started it up, talking softly and comfortingly to Frank the entire twenty minute drive over to his apartment.

“Frankie… sweetheart, I’m outside your door, can you come and let me in?”

Ray jumped, not sure what was happening as Frank jumped out of his arms and bolted for the front door. His eyes shot wide open, afraid that Frank was just making a break for it, before he relaxed, seeing Gerard standing there.

Frank threw himself into Gerard’s arms, sobbing helplessly. His fingers dug into his shoulders and twisted at the fabric of his hoodie, clinging to his desperately.

Gerard could feel Frank taking slow calming breaths, just trying to calm down and he rubbed his back lightly, cooing softly to him. “It’s okay, Frankie… I’m here now, see? I’m okay…” He turned his head softly and laid a soft kiss over Frank’s ear before whispering softly to him. “It’s okay, baby… calm down okay? Please, for me? I’m afraid you’re going to hyperventilate, Frankie…”

After a few more minutes Frank succeeded in calming himself down. He sniffled softly and cautiously pulled back from Gerard, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hand. He felt like a little kid who had sobbed and kicked and screamed for Dad, insisting that there were monsters in the closet, but he was so grateful that he had such amazing friends who never judged him for his panic attacks or childlike behavior. 

“There you are…” Gerard smiled and reached up, wiping a stray tear off his face. “Come on, baby… you need some rest.” Frank whimpered a little and continued to cling to Gerard, shaking his head rapidly. “It’s okay, Frankie… I’m not going anywhere, I promise. I’ll be right next to you all night long, okay?” He smiled and guided Frank back through to the bedroom. He gave Ray a soft smile and a nod, silently thanking him with his eyes.

Ray nodded back and smiled. “I’m gonna head home, then.” He sighed a bit, watching Frank and Gerard together, praying that this was the kick they both needed. With that he gathered his things and headed out the door.

Gerard laid Frank down and climbed into bed beside him, comfortingly wrapping his arms around the boy and holding him close as they laid their heads down. He felt his phone vibrating in his pocket, and he knew it was Kathy finally realizing that he was gone and calling to either chastise him for leaving so late at night, or to make him feel guilty about leaving her in the bed by herself. He didn’t care, and he let the phone vibrate over and over until she had given up calling.

“Frankie…?” Gerard whispered softly, swallowing hard.

“Yeah, Gee?” Frank sighed softly, letting himself shrink back into Gerard, feeling completely safe with the man’s arms around him.

“You were going to tell me something… the other day at my house… what was it?”

Frank’s heart stopped and he froze a little, gulping. “I-… I uh… I don’t remember.”

“Oh.” Gerard sighed lightly and leaned down, kissing Frank’s temple softly. “I thought maybe it was something important…”

Frank slammed his eyes shut and bit his lip sharply. “I-… it was.” He let out a slow shaky breath and turned around in Gerard’s arms so they were facing each other. “I wanted to tell you… That I-” He closed his eyes and bit his tongue as he felt Gerard’s phone vibrating again.

“Don’t stop… I don’t care that she’s calling me, Frank… it’s okay, say it…” Gerard’s heart pounded, he knew exactly what Frank was going to say, and he held his breath waiting for it until his head spun and he thought he would black out.

“I…” Frank stammered a bit, petrified. “Oh for fucks sake. I love you, Gerard! I fucking love you.”

Gerard couldn’t help the wide grin that crossed his face and he slid a hand to Frank’s jaw line, leaning down to kiss him deeply. He did his very best to put as much passion and feeling into the kiss as he could, desperate to make Frank feel just how much he loved him back through a single kiss. He giggled softly against Frank’s lips and smiled, mumbling back to him. “I fucking love you too, baby… I fucking love you so much.”


End file.
